...in bed (cont.)

okay...so im home sick for the fourth day, and still rockin' a 102 degree fever for the...fourth day.

*cough...coooooouuuuugh...hack....haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack....snort...ughhhhhh...snoooooort...hack...spit*

that right there has been my social life. yep, its amazing. ha! Anyways, what a perfect time to finish up my blog so here goes!

Here is the lovely Kim, given all us bums a ride. =)

Here's a hint: Idiocracy

It was windy...as you can see....

I call it "Super long tunnel to the bathroom that smells like poop"

Heather is still wearing her winter camp band. ha!

those dang manequins always copying Heather's style!

...and Kim's! Geez! Cant they find their OWN style!

Where's Bailey and Kim? Oh, at the very END of that ginormous line.

Ginormous line? WORTH IT! Cant you see the joy on my face?

Everybody has a perspective in life...

mine just happens to be eternal.

i dont know. random thought.
=)

....In Bed

What else would we do on a day off if it wernt for shopping? I mean, really. What would we do? Im drawin a blank too. Kinda sad, isnt it? Oh well. =)
Kim, Bailey, Heather and I all went to the mills to go winter formal dress shopping. (for heather and Bailey! i dont go to dances anymore (hello! im 20!)....unless i lie about my age and its at a school were no one knows me other than my niece and then sometimes she screws up and introduces me as her Aunt when im supposed to be sixteen and blah blah blah...but only then, lol) Anyways, it was super fun and i brought the camera along to document all the important random events. =)

Pretty Much the DUMBEST thing I have ever seen. I really dislike "bros"

"Suprise! I have a monster and it isnt for you!"

Kinda looks like she's eating her own tounge.

I guess I just cant not make a kissy face when I take a picture. Bad habit.

more pics to come, but im tired. and kinda bored. and i cant anyways, the rest of the pictures are on my work computer.

Just read it...it gets somewhere, i promise. =)

Well, my first week (technically my second) as a full time Jr.High director was much more productive than i thought. And by productive i mean BUSY. To think I was stressing because I didnt think there would be anything to fill my time. ha! Its much different than being part time, it almost feels busyier. I suppose its because I now have the time to fully committ to projects. Not just the partly focused, "I gotta get this done before tomorow" feeling and then moving on to the next thing,you know, not really concentrating. I know that didnt make sense, but i never said i was going to be a brilliant blogger. haha But, to get back on track...I really do enjoy everything im a part of there, youth group, sunday mornings, bible studys, the constant text messaging, even all the mind numbing paper work that comes with youth ministry...but im starting to wonder if all this consistensy is going to get at me. I am a serial quitter, you know. Yes, im finally addmiting it. When i start getting close to that one year mark, I have a sudden distain for whatever i happen to be doing...school, work, whatever. Only time will tell to see if I get antsy being at the same place practically everyday. The one thing, i know for sure, that will never change is that i LOVE being involved in these kids lives. I can honestly say, its the one thing that I actually have a passion for. Helping these kids have a growing relationship with God and a life modeled after Jesus Christ. (which is never easy, but also never the same)
So, after some incredibly busy weeks I finally have some time to relax. Which is exactly what I did tonight. Got all cozy next to the fire (can you believe it 20 degrees out right now?!) with my ipod and a great book. The book is the reason Im writing this blog, actually. Ever read "The Screwtape Letters", by CS Lewis? Well, I have some commentary on chapter 10.

"I gather that the middle-aged married couple who called at his office are just the sort of people we want him to know--rich, smart, superficially intellectual, and brightly sceptical about everything in the world. I gather they are even vaguely pacifist, not on moral gounds but from an ingrained habit of belittling anything that concerns the great mass of their fellow men and from a dash of purely fashionable and literary communism."

Normally I wouldn't get to much out of this, I mean it is just a fiction book. But, something struck me. How many of these sort of people do I know? Not to many, I have to admit. And I'd have to say, i dont really even know them. They intimadate me way too much. Why? Quite frankly, I think they are the shiz. They just have it so put together. They know where they stand, even if its only for a moment, but wherever they linger...its cool. They intimadate me because i want that for myself. I want to be so sure of myself, such a rebal against society, that I have followers...admirers...people like me, wanting to be me. Wow, can i get any less humble? It goes on to say:

" This is excellent. And you seem to have made good use of all his social, sexual, and intellectual vanity."

Ouch, that hit a little too close to home for me. Vanity. There you go. I'm letting myself fall victom to vanity. Social vanity, the want of being popular. Sexual vanity, the want to be attractive to others. Intellectual vanity, the want of being "cultured".

"Tell me more. Did he commit himself deeply? I don't mean in words. There is sublte play of looks and tones and laughs by which a mortal can imply that he is of the same party as those to whom he is speaking"

We all know its about appearences. If it looks and sounds like im a part of this group...then people will think I am. If i look and sound like one of them, they will assume I am one of them. And if im one of them...i belong. right? Am i too off track here? I cant be the only one...

"That is the kind of betrayal you should especially encourage, because the man does not fully realise it himself; and by the time he does you will have made withdrawal difficult. No doubt he must very soon realise that his own faith is in direct oppostion to the assumptions on which all the conversation of his new friends is based. I don't think that matters much, provided that you can persuade him to post-pone any open acknowledgment of the fact, and this with the aid of shame, pride, modesty, vanity, will be easy to do. As long as the postponement lasts he will be in a false postion"

Whoa. Betrayal? It just keeps getting worse and worse for me! Betrayal. Ya. Im betraying who I am through Jesus Christ. Im betraying, no, im turning my back on Christ. Im molding myself after worldly ideals when I should be striving to be everything Jesus was and is. Im turning my back on the one thing that every living, breathing being should know me for. "As long as the post ponement lasts he will be in a false position." Oh, yes. I have been postponing it. For far too long. I've been in a false position for far to long. I have been using the excuse of shame and pride and whatever else for far to long. Im sick of my cynical and skeptical attitude. Im sick of using it for the sake of acceptence. How about you?

im just so...dissapointed.

ooo. my fingers want to type something. i feel this burst of energy through my body. i have something to say. i want to say it loud so everyone can hear. i want to scream it in their faces so they have no choice but to listen. i want to yell it so loud that im standing on my tiptoes, head tipped up, tense fists at my sides, every muscle stretching to reach the heavens and my throat hurting from the strain on my voice box. what is this world coming to? do we honestly believe that just because we call ourselves "christians" God automaticly is going to give us some huge suburban house, shiny new suv, green green front lawn, pool in the backyard, one dog and two cats. "the american dream". i wish i could type it in disgust, the way im saying it in my head. wake up people. just because you go on your yearly missions trip to mexico and tithe your 10% doesnt mean your doing Gods work. Read the gospels some time. You see all that red type? try that. i dare you.
it makes me sick that we give this money to the church to be used for Gods work. a million dollar facility is Gods work? an overly huge worship center, a gymnasium, a freakin coffee shop? thats what were giving money for? thats what God's work is? a million plus dollars. couldnt we be doing something so great with that money? so amazing?
couldnt we actually be using that money to, oh idk... feed the hungry, clothe the naked, house the homeless?!!!!
i mean really. is that what Jesus said? "Sell all you have and give it to the church so they can build a bigger sanctuary, so they can feel so much more special than all the other churches, so they can say God is blessing us and and thank Him for blessing us and pray that all the other churches can be just as blessed. but really, they know that those "other" churches will never be as big and never have all the "cool" rich people like us."
actually Jesus said sell all you have and give it to the poor. (matt 19:21)


i know, i sound angry and i am. i sound bitter...and i guess i am. i sound like i have a hard heart, and i guess i have that too.

its just...wow. i was JUST talking to somebody about all this kinda crap going on in the "christian world" last night. and i was feeling pretty good, because i really thought i was in a church who didnt buy into all this bs. and today when i saw those plans and they said the cost. just, wow. it sucked. it really sucked. when they said this money is going to be coming from the people in our church, their tithes, it took everything in me to not cry. isnt that money supposed to go to something better? a million plus dollars, FOR ONE FREAKING BUILDING. i mean, to do everthing they plan...it going to be MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. are we really supposed to be using the money for that? im even questioning how IM getting paid. im getting paid off of money given to God. is that money really being used for God's purpose? sure, i work in the youth. and, ya, thats God's work. But, i just dont remeber Paul getting paid from all the money the church gave. infact i seem to remember it going to the widows, orphans and poor. is this right? the more and more i think about it, im convinced it isnt.
So, i can sit here and become angry and become shut off from the church. and i guess, i could think im so much better because I know the real meaning of being a "christian".
or
i can love people, Gods people.
Yes, even the christians.
thankyou friend for pointing that out last night. it has really come in useful right about now.