scratch that. My story is my story. The good, the bad, the embarressing. You cant extract parts...they wouldn't work with out each other.
Alright, I think I'm going to give it a stab at right now. See if by some fluke of nature I can relay, in words, what my head has been mulling over for the last couple of days.
Its just weird. Its weird to meet aunts, uncles and cousins for the first time when you are twenty years old. Its even weirder to attend a funeral of an aunt you have never met. You know whats the MOST weird though? The fact that your dad doesnt communicate with his family, whatsoever. Maybe it would be understandable if they had a huge falling out, you know some Thanksgiving dinner gone auwry. But, thats not it. They just dont talk. Sure, there is the excuse of living 800 miles apart, as lame as it is. There are telephones. I just dont get it. How would you not want to know/be involved in your brother and sisters life? And same for my aunt and uncle. This lack of communication isnt one sided, its the whole side of my dad's family. I dont understand. I guess I dont understand a lot of things, though.
On the way up to the funeral we parked the RV at my Aunt Liz's (Mom's sister) house for the night (Galt, Ca). My grandma lives with her, she had a major stroke a while back and is paralyzed on the left side of her body. Needless to say, she is wheel chair bound and her memory is going as well. I havnt seen any of them since I was 13 and it was awesome to get to spend some time with my cousins and see how much they have grown up. I was a little uncomfterable with spending time with my grandma though. I wasn't sure how to talk to her, since her longterm memory is great and her present memory is shaky....I dont know. It was just kind of awkward to me. It turned out a ton better than I thought...she is hilarious! When she finally does get a hold of whats goin on around her, she throws out the most random comments! Exp. - We were eatin dinner and my mom was talking about when she was pregnant with me, my grandma looks up from her plate and says, "All the other children Carol had before, she sold!". She then looks back down at her plate and resumes eating. We all busted out laughing so hard we were crying. Awesome.
The next day we finally made it to Eurika and were going to meet my Uncle Raymond and his wife for dinner. Now, Im a total introvert around people I dont know. So meeting two new people makes me really uncomfterable. Meeting two new people who are labled as family, ultra awkward. Dinner did go smooth though, I didnt need to say much. All the "adults" travled memory lane, specifically the lane before I was born. So I ate my dinner and wished the restraunt had WiFi for the laptop. Ya, lame. haha. After dinner we went to my Uncle Raymond's house and looked through all these photographs from when they were kids. Seeing these pictures of my dad as kid...made me realize there is SO much I don't know about him. It's kinda sad, actually.
The morning of the funeral...was interesting. I think we were all nervous and anxious and being stuck in a RV during a hurricane forced us to interact, when normally I would have locked myself in my room, Mom in the living room knitting, and dad in the family room reading. It was a good morning. My mom opened up to me about a huge something in her past, we got to connect in a big way. Painting nails and gabbing about when she was my age and me gabbing about whats going on in my life. It was nice not to be bickering. =)
Thinking about the memorial service made me nervous...I was going to be meeting a million new people, again, all with the title "family". I was nervous getting ready. "Im not pretty enough", "Im not skinny enough", "I'm not interesting enough", "They are gonna think I'm boring, fat and ugly." Soooo stupid, I know. But, none the less....it's what I was thinking. I gussied myself up so much. Tons of eye makeup, tons of hairspray, tons of perfume, brushed my teeth twice, three differnt outfit changes, bright red lipstick. The only thing that felt like me...my deoderant, I guess. I think, I felt like I needed to be so...I dont know, interesting?...attractable?...differant from what I am? I felt so much pressure from meeting my family, I just needed to be perfect. My outcome? An image of what I'm not. An image of something I didn't recognize in the mirror. Not that it was a bad thing, its just that I'm mad at myself for thinking that they couldn't possibly like me, that I needed to be someone differnt. I dont know. Im not sure that makes any sense.
We got to the memorial service, which was at her house, and basically my mom and I clung to eachother the entire time. It just wasnt what we were expecting. Everyone there was either family or friends of my Aunt's boyfriend, Jim. And they were all the dirty biker croud. Black jeans and all. Really. Beer and chinese food with the game on the TV. So strange. The only pictures that were put out were the ones my Uncle Raymond had brought. Although, Jim did have a journal set up in the bedroom so people could write their goodbyes to her. It was so strange. Some of here co-workers we there, but other than that...not really anyone but my Uncle Raymond's family and my Dad were there, who actaully knew her, as in met her. Later on after we had left my dad said something that summed it up. Jim was having a party...for himself. It just happned to have the title of memorial service. I can only imagine how sad my Aunt JoAnn's life must have been. To be with a man for over twenty years, a man who hit on other woman in front of you, a man who refused to marry you, a man who couldnt even pay proper respects to you life. I cant fathom how discouraged and little he most likely made her feel everyday. I cant fathom having so little hope that you would remain in that situation. I wish I had known her. I wish I would have been there, in her life. I wish she would have known how much God loved her. I wish my dad would have been a true brother to her. I wish that her death wasn't the reason I met my family.
"This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath"
"On the Radio" - Regina Spektor
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