Just read it...it gets somewhere, i promise. =)

Well, my first week (technically my second) as a full time Jr.High director was much more productive than i thought. And by productive i mean BUSY. To think I was stressing because I didnt think there would be anything to fill my time. ha! Its much different than being part time, it almost feels busyier. I suppose its because I now have the time to fully committ to projects. Not just the partly focused, "I gotta get this done before tomorow" feeling and then moving on to the next thing,you know, not really concentrating. I know that didnt make sense, but i never said i was going to be a brilliant blogger. haha But, to get back on track...I really do enjoy everything im a part of there, youth group, sunday mornings, bible studys, the constant text messaging, even all the mind numbing paper work that comes with youth ministry...but im starting to wonder if all this consistensy is going to get at me. I am a serial quitter, you know. Yes, im finally addmiting it. When i start getting close to that one year mark, I have a sudden distain for whatever i happen to be doing...school, work, whatever. Only time will tell to see if I get antsy being at the same place practically everyday. The one thing, i know for sure, that will never change is that i LOVE being involved in these kids lives. I can honestly say, its the one thing that I actually have a passion for. Helping these kids have a growing relationship with God and a life modeled after Jesus Christ. (which is never easy, but also never the same)
So, after some incredibly busy weeks I finally have some time to relax. Which is exactly what I did tonight. Got all cozy next to the fire (can you believe it 20 degrees out right now?!) with my ipod and a great book. The book is the reason Im writing this blog, actually. Ever read "The Screwtape Letters", by CS Lewis? Well, I have some commentary on chapter 10.

"I gather that the middle-aged married couple who called at his office are just the sort of people we want him to know--rich, smart, superficially intellectual, and brightly sceptical about everything in the world. I gather they are even vaguely pacifist, not on moral gounds but from an ingrained habit of belittling anything that concerns the great mass of their fellow men and from a dash of purely fashionable and literary communism."

Normally I wouldn't get to much out of this, I mean it is just a fiction book. But, something struck me. How many of these sort of people do I know? Not to many, I have to admit. And I'd have to say, i dont really even know them. They intimadate me way too much. Why? Quite frankly, I think they are the shiz. They just have it so put together. They know where they stand, even if its only for a moment, but wherever they linger...its cool. They intimadate me because i want that for myself. I want to be so sure of myself, such a rebal against society, that I have followers...admirers...people like me, wanting to be me. Wow, can i get any less humble? It goes on to say:

" This is excellent. And you seem to have made good use of all his social, sexual, and intellectual vanity."

Ouch, that hit a little too close to home for me. Vanity. There you go. I'm letting myself fall victom to vanity. Social vanity, the want of being popular. Sexual vanity, the want to be attractive to others. Intellectual vanity, the want of being "cultured".

"Tell me more. Did he commit himself deeply? I don't mean in words. There is sublte play of looks and tones and laughs by which a mortal can imply that he is of the same party as those to whom he is speaking"

We all know its about appearences. If it looks and sounds like im a part of this group...then people will think I am. If i look and sound like one of them, they will assume I am one of them. And if im one of them...i belong. right? Am i too off track here? I cant be the only one...

"That is the kind of betrayal you should especially encourage, because the man does not fully realise it himself; and by the time he does you will have made withdrawal difficult. No doubt he must very soon realise that his own faith is in direct oppostion to the assumptions on which all the conversation of his new friends is based. I don't think that matters much, provided that you can persuade him to post-pone any open acknowledgment of the fact, and this with the aid of shame, pride, modesty, vanity, will be easy to do. As long as the postponement lasts he will be in a false postion"

Whoa. Betrayal? It just keeps getting worse and worse for me! Betrayal. Ya. Im betraying who I am through Jesus Christ. Im betraying, no, im turning my back on Christ. Im molding myself after worldly ideals when I should be striving to be everything Jesus was and is. Im turning my back on the one thing that every living, breathing being should know me for. "As long as the post ponement lasts he will be in a false position." Oh, yes. I have been postponing it. For far too long. I've been in a false position for far to long. I have been using the excuse of shame and pride and whatever else for far to long. Im sick of my cynical and skeptical attitude. Im sick of using it for the sake of acceptence. How about you?